"Make New Friends, But Keep The Old…"
"…One is silver and the other gold."
I remember having to sing this in Brownie Scouts (when I was a Scout..don’t fucking judge, I was a terrible Scout).
I was always confused at who was silver and who was gold. The song doesn’t make it clear, and if you say that it should be “obvious” well…it’s not fucking obvious.
This idea of silver and gold. Value. In this song, I am being asked to place value on my friendships. Which…is difficult. They all add value, and they all add meaning. Some people think that time adds value, that the more time you have known a person the more value they have….that a best friend can’t be acquired after a year or two years.
I have been a shitty friend. My good girl friend (who probably isn’t good anymore) I have not seen in months. In MONTHS. Part of it is residual shame in myself and the way I treated her. Part of it is just…IDK one less person to disappoint. Fear. Stupid immature shit. I miss her so much, it hurts, most of the time.
I don’t even deserve a second chance.
Other old friends have reached out to talk. It’s this weird balance of, “Do I talk to them?” or “Do I forget them?” Did they suit me at the time, but not now? How can I even make that call?
Have you ever choked on your own saliva? Like, for real, choked? Not on a piece of external food or something…but a thing you generated on your own, in your own mouth, and then swallowed and choked? Some weird fucked up feedback loop gone awry? That’s what it feels like. That’s what it feels like to reminisce and think about people you haven’t thought about who have thought about you and wonder if it’s mature or sane or something.
But, I have a “real” job now! I have to track my billables! I create graphics for real trials and deal with clients and get job perks like discount car rentals and hotels and I travel and work on cases and etc. Does a new chapter in life mean completely shutting the door on an older rendition of myself?
Sincerity. It’s the only thing I hope for, nowadays.